Pointy Eared Lardbuckets

To elves, the phrase "magic is in the blood" is more literal reality than merely an attempt at explaining the sporadic, mobile magical hotspots referred to by most as 'sorcerers'. The elves took this phrase to heart, and in an ambitious attempt to become the most magically gifted group on the planet decided that 'magic is in the blood' meant that more blood results in more magic, and it seems to be accurate. Almost all elves are what humans would consider overweight, with the nobility being so horrifically obese they require permanent levitation enchantments to prevent their body weight from crushing their internal organs.

An elven noble, relaxing after a hard day of feeling superior (thanks Craig Mullins)

This mystical corpulence grants even those elves with no interest in the Arts (its rare, but it happens) some degree of sensitivity to magical energy, and elven sorcerers can reach levels of control over magic unheard of in more conventionally shaped races. However this comes with a rather steep price-loss of longevity. The fabled 'immortality' of elves is rendered moot when faced with one hundred kilograms of subcutaneous fat, and natural child birth is nearly impossible for the upper echelons of elven society. Viable foetuses of the nobility are extracted and cultured in artificial, magic-powered wombs, or simply implanted in a lower-class (and therefore slimmer) surrogate mother. Despite these marvels of medical science, heart failure and suffocation claim many well-off members of elven courts, and it is rare for even novice mages to possess intact extremities. However a much more insidious danger to magic users comes in the form of prions, which drive many of them completely mad if they aren't killed outright. Perhaps some of you know where this is going.

It is way too difficult to find a depiction of cannibalism that isn't horribly racist, so I just went with the classic example

With blood being the source of magical power, it makes sense to try to conserve it as much as possible - and prevent it from ending up in the hands of lesser races. This is the reason elven duels utilize only bludgeoning and non-lethal attacks/spells, and the source of many other interesting customs. As blood itself is the source of magic, it is much faster for a master sorcerer to transfer knowledge by feeding an apprentice some of their blood than any of the teaching methods used by other races. By the same logic, it is customary that if their master should meet an unfortunate end the apprentice will consume the corpse in an elaborate, days long ceremony. Naturally, this leads to plenty of Fun as the inexperienced magic-user suddenly possesses power far beyond their ability to reliably control. This ritualistic cannibalism is also common within the general elven nobility. Children will consume their parents and thus inherit their wealth and social status, and any children that die early are eaten by their parents as a way of 'reclaiming their property.'

I will take any excuse to show people this painting

Of course, with positions of power being inherited via consumption of the previous holder of the position, some steps must be taken to ensure only the intended party is able to consume the corpse. 

Sorcerers may place 'blood curses' on themselves while they are alive, causing anyone but a mentally designated individual to be unable to safely eat their remains. As these curses are often the last and most memorable spell effect a sorcerer may produce their effects are incredibly varied, and morbidly flamboyant. Blood turns to choking, boiling hot tar, chunks of flesh suddenly sprout teeth and dine on the diner, or the entire corpse lurches to unlife and pummels the interloper to death, spewing streams of highly corrosive bile out of every orifice.
Yes, all of them.

Not nearly fat enough, but you get the idea

This cultural obsession with blood results in many outsiders, in particular those more prone to superstition (humans), believing that elves are affiliated with vampires in some way, or at least that vampirism is prevalent in elven society. It certainly appears to be a vampire's paradise - most elves are incapable of physically defending themselves and are stuffed full of blood. However, like most things humans believe, this could not be further from the truth. Vampirism is viewed with equal amounts of disgust and hatred by elven society, as it represents to them the highest form of blasphemy against their ideal of power through blood. Elves revere blood, hoarding it within their bodies, while vampires merely require it for sustenance, viewing it as little more than a food source. Vampirism, whether real or merely suspected, is persecuted relentlessly in elven lands. Outside the protection of their homes, elves have developed various arcane spells designed solely to detect and/or destroy vampires and those that serve them. Personal stakes are a must have for both protection and fashion, with many of the nobility encrusting their stakes with pearls or depicting scenes of vampires being destroyed in exquisitely detailed gold filigree. Some more expensive stakes are enchanted to dig through the body of the vampire, eventually piercing the heart no matter where it entered the body. Houses are designed explicitly to confound vampiric infiltration - Small channels of water flow underneath doorways, hallways are lined with mirrors, skylights are very common and containers of beans and garlic can be spilled from walls in an emergency.

Obsessively counting things will always be my favourite vampire weakness and NO ONE CAN STOP ME

Another ridiculous idea humans believe is true is the idea that elves respect and live in harmony with nature. Technically this is true in that elves rely very little on non-organic machines and constructions, preferring to shape their tools and buildings directly from living matter. Trees are grown into buildings not due to some alliance with natural forces, but through direct magical manipulation. Although nature is respected it is carefully controlled, and the variety of nature is barely tolerated. Wherever elves go, they bring their preferred environment with them - massive willow trees, short bright green grasses, gargantuan stag beetles, and most importantly, countless varieties of fungal life. Anything even moderately inconveniencing in the local environment is removed.

Don't let anyone tell you elves don't have morels

With elves focusing so intently on the value of blood, they view lifeforms lacking it to essentially be lacking life, and therefore have no qualms with abusing them and using them as tools. The fruiting bodies of fungi are a staple of both elven cooking and military operations. Despite evidence pointing to some crude awareness in their fungal servitors, the elves never treat them as anything more than another aspect of nature to use for their gain. If forced into large scale conflicts, elven assaults will be heralded by choking clouds of paralysing spores, followed by semi-mindless fungal shock troops. Huge war-suits of fungal biomass wade into battle piloted by specially trained sorcerers, slinging fireballs into flammable spore clouds and crushing foes with their massive limbs. If the pilot is somehow disabled or unable to control the fungus, Fun things happen. The rest of the elven force will follow after the space marines shroom-pilots in gargantuan, spider-legged arks of plant matter, launching projectiles from stomata and piercing enemies with thorny tendrils. If this all sounds eerily familiar, good.

Ron Spencer draws a damn fine fungus monster

The final assumption humans typically make about elves is shockingly rather accurate,  and also marks the point at which I will say IF YOU ARE PLAYING A GAME IN MY SETTING YOUR CHARACTER DOES NOT KNOW THIS EVEN IF THEY'RE AN ELF AND PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN READ IT BUT HEY MAYBE YOU'RE CURIOUS AND I CAN'T BLAME YOU FOR THAT.

You'll be seeing this picture pretty often in upcoming posts

Anyone observing an elven settlement that manages to not be accused of being a vampire and/or fed to the mould beds will eventually notice that there doesn't seem to be anyone in charge. Sure, there is the nobility, but their power simply comes from the fact that they're either richer or better at magic than your average elf. There is no head honcho lording it up in the big house on the hill telling everyone what to do, which to humans is absolutely mind-boggling. Even stranger to humans is that there also doesn't seem to be any law enforcement - no town guards, no prisons (with elves in them), no courthouses, but criminals rather quickly disappear regardless. Naturally, most humans assume that the head honcho just doesn't want to be seen and controls elven society in secret, perhaps in a shadowy alliance with other honchos. Or perhaps the vampires that humans still think infest elven settlements are in control of everything, grooming their herd for the slaughter. Both of these ideas are correct, in a way. The elven government is indeed a shadowy organization of the headest of honchos, secretly pulling the strings, and their activities could be considered vampiric, but they're far from true vampires.

Ages ago the most powerful elven sorcerers came to the rather logical conclusion that if they desired more magical power, and magical power was tied directly to blood, why should they consist of anything else if they want to be the most powerful magic users in the world? So they became living, intelligent, incredibly powerful globs of blood. It was at this point they decided they should be in charge, absorbed the entire royal family and set up the current power structure. They refer to themselves as the Sanguine Council, of course. Powerful elven sorcerers will sometimes draw their attention, and are either inducted into their ranks or absorbed by a senior member, leaving the bloodless corpse behind. Naturally these deaths are attributed to vampires, further fuelling their persecution. The council will also absorb any troublemakers that cannot be handled by fungal minions. Blood is blood, and once absorbed into a member of the council the extra volume simply adds to their power. The oldest among them would overflow a swimming pool.

An elder member of the Sanguine Council on vacation

This secret cabal of what are essentially blood golems has stubbornly held control of all aspects of elven society for millennia, However, recent events have members of the council feeling rather paranoid, as they have begun to realize that the world has become dangerous for creatures made solely of blood. Even more worrying, a few of their number have begun acting rather... strange.

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THE RETURN

Rising from the stinking dirt like a desert rain frog, the blog drags itself, starving, towards the first sign of movement and begins to feed. It greedily shovels so much content down its horrid maw that for the first time in its life, posts must be queued to avoid over saturation. Personal posts, lacking in substance and meaning, are tossed aside by the ravening beast in its frenzy of consumption. Short horror stories and attempts to expand on a half-baked homebrew TTRPG setting are swallowed by the gallon.

A new era has dawned for the blog - an era that shall be known as the winter break when I got really bored and obsessive about my writing.

In other words: